For the last decade and a half, I’ve lived two professional lives. I’ve been a journalist since 2009 and a web developer and data specialist since 2015. I’ve made lifelong friendships, learned invaluable skills, traveled to places I never imagined, and told some of my favorite stories.
In many ways, it’s been a dream. But in others, it’s felt like a bit of a nightmare.
I’ve gone through five company-wide layoffs, dealt with management that makes you feel guilty for choosing family over the company, and have seen both industries decimated in one way or another.
Before going further, I want to preface the rest of this and make it clear: I love what I do. I love telling stories, I love the gaming industry, and, for the first time in a long time, I thoroughly enjoy where I work at Insider Gaming. I also make more at Insider Gaming than I have at any prior stop in my writing career.
I also have an amazing wife and three beautiful sons. I know how lucky I am.
Still, something’s been weighing on me. It’s been lingering for a while, and now it feels like it’s come to a boil.
I’m at a crossroads with my career, and, in many ways, my life.
I was let go from my last development job due to financial issues at the company on October 25, 2023. I was happy there, I was making respectable money for my job, and the people I worked with were great. But then, when decisions have to be made to keep a company afloat, cuts sometimes come. I get it, but I still hated it.
Fast forward to today: I’ve applied for over 300 development and data roles and gone through multiple interviews. But nothing’s worked out. And that’s okay. I’ve continued doing freelance work here and there, which has been rewarding, but nothing has been long-term.
In the meantime, I keep reporting, putting in 50-60 hours, at least, per week, to what I do. Whether it’s writing, talking to sources for stories, filing information requests, interviewing developers, editing videos, recording scripts, or hosting weekly shows, I keep myself plenty busy. All for the love of what I do.
With all that effort and work, which I’ve been putting in on the media side for over a decade, I’ve become tired. Really tired. Burnt out, even.
And, unfortunately, it’s not something stepping away and taking a lengthy vacation can solve. It’s something bigger than that. Something I have an idea on, but can feel like I have too big of an ego to talk about.
Until now.
The Imposter In Me?
The passion is still there. For the most part, at least. Some days this fire burns stronger than ever, while others have it barely a flicker.
Maybe it’s because, whether in journalism or development/data, I expected to be further ahead than I am now.
In media, I’ve made it to an editorial position, something I always expected of myself. But I think I expected more. If that makes any sense?
From the time I was 10, I wanted to be a prominent journalist. I wanted to be respected for the stories I told and the work I put in. I started my own “newspaper” when I was 11. I remember coming home, writing two or three quick stories, printing copies, and putting them in my neighborhood’s mailboxes. I wrote for my high school and college papers, and told every story I could. I wanted people to see my byline, read the name Mike Straw, and know they were getting a great story one way or another.
In some cases, I feel I’ve had those moments. In others, I feel like I’m just floating by like a wisp of smoke. Maybe it’s just because of how different the industry has become since I started, and I just don’t have that overly boisterous personality that stands out today. Or, maybe, I’m just not as good as I thought. I’ve always believed talent will stand out among the “noise”. So, if I’m not standing out, is there actual talent?
On the development side, my goal was simple: move through a company into upper management. I’ve never been the best developer or data analyst out there, and I accepted that. But I’ve always felt myself to be a better leader of people—helping push people along, growing organizations, strategizing, project managing, budgeting, etc.—than most. I’ve said in every interview and with every company I’ve been at that I want to be someone who makes a difference. I want to be more than a number. And, at most companies, I was on that trajectory until layoffs took place, which always stemmed from financial issues.
But as I mentioned earlier, I’m at a crossroads.
I love being a journalist. I love telling stories and talking about gaming, hockey, wrestling, and everything in between. But I have to ask: Am I going to go any further in this field? Am I just not good enough to get where I thought I would?
Do I step away from media and find a more “traditional” job? One with likely better pay and stability, something that could help my family in real, tangible ways?
Or do I bet on myself one more time, double down on this life I’ve built, and push harder to become the voice I always believed I could be? Can I give my family the life they deserve while sticking with my first dream?
What exactly would that look like?
I’m nearly 35, supporting a family of five on a single income. I already work more hours than most. And I know time with my kids is precious, especially while they’re still young. Do I really want to possibly add more hours to my plate?
I have to take the time and be completely honest with myself and decide what I want to do.
If you read this entire “thinking out loud” piece, thank you. It was therapeutic to get it all out in words. There’s plenty more I wanted to say, but I’ll keep that for another time.
The only thing left for me now is to figure out what to do next by talking with my family, the people who’ve helped me get to where I am, and listening to what my heart and mind tell me.
To the future. No matter how scary it is right now.
